Being Fierce (Pt. One)

12 Aug

Komal and I have discussed this post last week and I’ve been giving it thought. What make’s us fierce?  Hell, what makes me fierce? As cliche as the word seems, it still resonates. It’s not just the battle cry of Tyra Banks; it’s a word to describe the inner working of one’s self esteem. Simple enough right? Without this being the vapidness of a teen mag trying to tell girls how to feel, let me try to explain. Each of us want to describe our pathway into being comfortable with ourselves, what inspires us and what we rely on to achieve “fierce”.

Pretty much all my life I was the awkward kid. I was fat, really tall and had a glorious ‘fro. When I was a kid I never felt good about myself. I was haunted by any mirror and thought I was cursed with just utter ugliness.  I had kids throw staples in my hair and call me Chewbacca. Yeah, public school was an oasis for self worth. When I was 14 I lost a huge amount of weight. All of a sudden then I was awesome; my personality and intelligence magically mattered. Kids who once made fun of me all of a sudden wanted to be my friend. The paranoia of wanting to be thin/ keep my friends made me paranoid. I would exercise all day and sometimes starve myself in order to keep appearances. I remember one Easter I thought I ate way too many mashed potatoes, so I went to the bathroom and made myself vomit.

I still look at pictures from that point of my life and I’m in awe; I was gorgeous.  With no ego I can tell you I was beautiful. I just wish I could of felt that way then. The little girl who hated  the mirror was still there. Because I felt so awful about myself, I tried to still maintain their approval. Switching my love of Manic Panic and band t-shirts for Abercrombie and American Eagle. After awhile I became depressed. I was attracting the attention of people that didn’t truly care about me. After leaving high school I had time to reflect. All the kids I thought were my friends left me. At first I was really upset over it. It took me a year to realize I didn’t need them. During that year I learned another thing. I’m pretty.

Not just pretty in my current state. I’m pretty whenever. Be it wearing a t-shirt backwards (I do that a lot accidentally, don’t ask why.) or a maxi dress. Fierce is not just a matter of outward appearance, it’s a mental thing. It’s not something someone can automatically throw at you, you need to establish it for yourself. Fierce is an individual attitude. Once you establish what your attitude concerning self is  and figure out how you want to carry this attitude your personal style will emerge.

Are there other things that dictate wardrobe? Yes, but those points are more so in regards to items you own. Personal style has to do with the mentality you bring when those pieces are picked.  Clothing is our initial representative.  As humans we generalize and make quick assertions. Our brain does this as a way to quickly filter out things  it assumes will affect us badly. Clothing quickly sums up our personalities and what ever else we want others to see us as. Clothing also can dictate how we feel about ourselves. The confidence one can feel simply due to dressing well is amazing. Understanding What works for you and what you feel comfortable in is another part of developing an awareness of self.

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